What if's are the nails that built the house of failure

Once again, i'm a little slow on the updating. I realize it's been awhile since I last wrote. But maybe it's been awhile since I've really had something to say.

Nothing too much out of the ordinary has emerged to my attention for discussing. However, there is always time for some inspirational push.

Lately, the inspirational push from with in me has been, special effects makeup. As of right now, I am attending Cosmetology school, which is honestly a great jumping off point to where I want to end up. I've always enjoyed Halloween and getting dressed up, and although I am a firm believer of being nothing but yourself, sometimes it's fun to just mess around with the "what ifs?"

Referring of course to the, "what if I was a mermaid? or a pirate? maybe even a bird!" Those are the what if's worth exploring. Embracing my creative side is something I have no problem doing, it's all I've been doing my whole life. My family is skilled in the arts of all sorts, and kinds. This is one thing I want to try my hand at.

I feel like, my imagination has the ability to reach new heights and I believe I have different ideas that I could bring to the table. I've been a movie watcher my whole life...so why not be apart of it? Help create flicks that other people would enjoy watching by creating the stimulating visuals!

Watching Face Off on the SyFy channel has also been an extra inspiration to my already thriving need to learn more about special effects makeup artistry. Such talent and clever and creative ideas. It really is so amazing to watch all the thought and detail that goes into what they do. The best part is, is seeing them wake up every day loving what they do. That is what I want. Maybe if I work hard and I really build my passion and drive for this, I might make it on to Face Off, or maybe even further.


I guess the whole point to this post is. Try your hand at whatever you feel passionate about. It's better than all the "What ifs?" in life.

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind"

Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, A Midsummer Night's Dream, that "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind."

There is no other quote in this world that I admire more than this. Shakespeare just had it right when it comes to love. He insured that if you rushed into love without really truly knowing someone that it would end in tragedy. But he also nailed that moment when you see someone for the first time and you just can't get enough. 

But when Shakespeare wrote these fine words of love in A Midsummer Nights Dream, it's the one time I truly thought that if maybe everyone were to read them, they would all fall in love the way we should. No judgment, flaws that can be over seen, and the greatest love ever imaginable. 

It's hard for a girl like me to be accepted for who I am. Many guys and girls are put off by my tattooed and short haired appearance. But that's just my expression. My short hair and tattoos are who I am. People are like packages. All presents have different exteriors. Pretty bows, flamboyant paper, big boxes, small boxes. But think about whenever you've had a package in your hands, are you really all that concerned about the wrapping? Or are you just dying to rip it off to see whats inside? Why can't it be like this with people?

Why aren't people interested in ripping off someones exterior just to see whats on the inside? And no I don't mean a crazy one night stand where a guy and girl are ripping each other's clothes off just to get pleasure. I means someone breaking down another's outer layers slowly just to see what's on their mind.

Everyone has their past and hardships that they carry around with them, and some people are looking for someone to talk to about it, but someone they can trust, someone willing to break down the walls to find out what's behind the mask and actually sit and listen and understand and absorb.

People forget that we are human beings some days. That we are all made up of the same matter and that no particular person is better than the other. We all have something to offer this world and we all have a person. Just finding someone to share those opportunities with is the difficult part.

Perhaps if we all loved like blind winged cupid, we would all be happier. Happier with life, love and we would accept each other and learn to love selflessly.

So ladies and gents...lets all love like Shakespeare wanted.

Never give up the ship

The one thing I did not receive for my birthday is closure. The closure of my past that so desperately haunts me. A simple happy birthday would have sufficed from one of the few people I truly care about in this world, just to at least know that he still cared, just an inkling that maybe some spark was still there. But I guess that ship has just sailed.

I thought maybe there was still enough ocean and wind in the sails to continue on, but I guess not. It's just time to sink the anchor, unfortunately never to surface again. I have always followed the motto, "Never give up the ship.", like a true captain and sailor. But there comes a time when there is no hope left, and although it would be honorable to stand by your ship anyway, the seas are too rough and will drag you the bottom and end in your demise.

For now, I'll take this ship and place it in a glass bottle in the back of my mind. Although, it would be tough to sail again, If the ship proves worthy enough to venture to the seas again, I'll take it out of it's fragile containment and give it one last shot. Perhaps one day when the seas have quieted and I have grown wiser, we could sail again. 

But even though I feel like letting go. I'll never give up the ship.

XXI stands for 21

So those of you who are friends of mine, know I just turned 21. It was as epic as I thought it would be, and even though my celebration lasted for an entire week I'm deeply saddened to see it pass.

I haven't written in little bit, because obviously I've been busy getting shitfaced or (insert crude slang term for being completely drunk here). But I guess for those of you who don't know me, I should probably fill you on my recent adventures. My actual birthday consisted of taking birthday cake shots at midnight and then driving to see a sign that my family put up on a famous local bridge. I had a great day spent with friends and family.

I went to Eli Cannon's, a pub, in a town near by and ordered my first beer on tap. Saranac Blueberry Blonde will forever be special for me. I partook in a delicious meal, and another beer (Stone-Cali Beligique) both beers were equally delicious. My sister and her boyfriend took me to the actual bar to take my first shot, which was coincidentally a red headed slut, for those of you who don't know me...I am a red head (not natural) for now at least i'm a red head. To jump off topic for a second here, if you've ever seen Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, I am very much like Ramona Flowers. Her famous quote being "Dude, I change my hair every week and a half, get used to it." HA!

Dessert neared and I was made to close my eyes. When I opened I found my birthday cake. It was an exact replica of a Thomas Hooker Watermelon Ale bottle. So amazing! It's my favorite beer, and what was beautifully represented by my mothers amazing skills. I got some swell gifts including an a ray of Pop! Animal figurines that I collect, look them up they are incredible.

After Wednesday, my actual birthday, Thursday arrived and my sister Lauren and I attended Chili's for dinner. I ordered us two Blue Moons, just because I could;), and proceeded not to get carded. The disappointment and sadness on my face said it all.

The real important night of my birthday events was Friday! And no it wasn't because Rebecca Black told me to get down on Friday. My sister Lauren, my sister Brittany and her boyfriend Pete and I were going to Foxwoods to really celebrate my birthday, in other words...get extremely wasted or (again, insert slang term for being super drunk).

We met up with my Uncle early evening to get settled in our room at the MGM Grand. We were not aware of what we had in stored for us until we walked up to the double doors of our hotel suite! My uncle proceeded to show us that we had a doorbell, and we opened it up to find an entire living room, an attached bedroom, a bar, a kitchen, dining room table, and an incredible view. It was like The Hangover, and like Phil says we were obviously going to have a great fucking time. We pre gamed before we went to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and all of  us indulged in two alcoholic beverages which came equipped with a souvenir glass.

We then headed back to the room to pregame again while we got ready to go to Shrine for dancing. After getting dressed up to the nines and slightly buzzed, we gulped down some more shots and drinks and headed down to the club. We danced for hours, had my name put up in lights and it was an epic time. We strolled into our pimp suite around 3 in the morning and passed out for more festivities to come tomorrow.

After obviously having a great fucking time the night before, we headed home for my family Toga party. Greek inspired party where we all dressed as Greek gods and goddesses. Delicious food, good people, good games, good drinks, good party over all. A Successful end to an amazingly epic and perfect 21st birthday week.

So thank you to all those who made it a point to make this an amazing birthday for me, 21...now my life can start!

the funny thing is

The funny thing is. Most guys are assholes....period, end of story.

I'm sick and tired of them manipulating girls to make them think that they are the ones that messed everything up. They guilt you and guilt you, only to confuse you more and create some thought in your mind that you were in the wrong and then you start questioning yourself as to where you went wrong.

Now guys i'm sorry that it's directed at you right now, but I am a girl who has only had encounters with guys. I'm not saying that all guys are like this, or that girls aren't capable of doing this too, because I have met a few females that have.

I guess the question that I want to arise here is: Why do these certain people feel they have the right to mess with another persons emotions?

I know I have been a victim of this since I started dating when I was 16. It's really not fair.

I've never wanted anything more than this one thing my entire life. It's been on my mind for almost 5 years now. I would never do anything to jeopardize this and now I have. But only based on previous actions.

If someone was to constantly let you down, when the same patterns start to show up, the first thing your going to think is...this is happening all over again. You immediately get defensive and say things in the heat of the moment to save yourself from heartache.

Then when you find out that it was a misunderstanding, and you feel silly for jumping the gun. But what does this other person expect? They immediately get mad, make you feel guilty for attacking them. But what were you supposed to do when you had know idea what was going on?

So, what makes it okay for them to mess up and ask for forgiveness and you oblige, but when you mess up only once, they don't give you another chance?

I don't want to lose the one thing I've wanted for years now...but how does one go about fixing an unfix able situation with someone who wont even hear you out right now?

This is just a mess..

the inevitable

When the inevitable becomes apparent to the blind eyes who pushed it to the back burner for so long, it's long stinging pain goes hand in hand with the hole I punched through the cheap plastic material that covers the drawer on my dresser. 

Inevitably I should have known the outcome would have been the same every time. In which I did.

I guess I was just hoping the inevitability wasn't inevitable at all.

Maybe it's time for me to stop handing out chances like free balloons to children. The balloons...or in this case my chances will be popped...due to the fact that I did leave them in the hands of children.

To whom this may concern... Giving out chance after chance for 4 years to someone who advertently lets you down every time, well I think I've learned my lesson is all that need be said.

Although none of you probably have any idea as to what's going on...maybe it's best you don't. 

If I were to let you into my world wind of confusion with this particular inevitability, you would be one lost reader. But I'm sure parts of the story will eventually surface somewhere down the road.

My signing off saying for now: "Forget about the person that you can't get out of your head, replace them with the person who wants to be there." -Arianna-